My Story of Healing

Dream Catchers is not just about financial success. It is about overcoming anything that stands in the way of the God-given dreams you have for your life. This includes physical and mental healing. Today I am sharing with you a big piece of my journey into God’s light.  It is a reminder for myself as much as anything as I face a recent loss that God's healing is always there:

My name is Jackie and I am a recovering food addict.  I am also a semi-recovered perfectionist and control freak.  I have a long history of clinical depression.  Most importantly, I am a child of God who is in the process of healing.

I was born into a troubled marriage – sort of the ‘child will fix it’ kind of thing.  I learned early to hide my emotions and not cause trouble.  My parents eventually divorced.  They were civil to each other and I got to spend time with both of them.  However, they had very different views on life.  I spent most weekends arguing/debating with my dad about religion, money, and any other topic he and my mom disagreed about.  In retrospect, I think he was just trying to show me a different perspective, but at the time I just felt criticized and rejected.  I began to believe that I could never do enough or be enough to earn his love. 

In school I excelled and enjoyed learning.  Here was one area of my life I could earn the gold stars I so desired.  If I worked hard enough I got validated and I could believe that I had value.  I don’t know when this deformed belief that I was only lovable if people loved me started, but I cannot remember a time when I did not feel that way.  Consequently, I was a deep-seeded people pleaser.

I also do not remember when I first started turning to food for comfort.  I do remember being at my grandpa’s house in the summers.  He was a loving, sweet man who doted on me.  He had a drawer in the refrigerator that was always filled with mini-candy bars and I was allowed to have some anytime I wanted.  Somehow his love and the candy got connected in my mind. 

I also remember how every year at Easter  I would take my basket to my room and eat until I was sick to my stomach.  These were my early binges.

Thankfully I was young when I dedicated my life to God.  This faith was a great comfort to me and gave me guiding principles for my life as well as an extended family to love and support me through the tough teen years.

Junior high was a nightmare.  I was the geeky, plain-looking, shy, clumsy girl all the boys loved to torture.  I did not seem to fit into any of the typical cliques.  I ended up with other kids who did not fit in.  I guess we were the misfits, but we were good for each other.  We clung together in the waves of teen angst and at least we were not alone.  I think I cried every day, but at least I had shoulders to lean on. 

High school and college were better.  I found friends who drew me out of my protective shell.  I continued to wrongly blame all my ‘issues’ on my father and on a tough move my third grade year that resulted in changing schools and losing many friends.  It was not until college that I began to take responsibility for my own choices and direct my own life.  I finally began to realize that I could not change the past, but I was in charge of the future.

I married the weekend after college graduation.  One year later we moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity.  My entire life, my mom had been my rock, my cheerleader, my best friend.  Moving away from her was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Living in a very isolated area with a new job and a new marriage that were not living up to my perfectionistic expectations made it more difficult.  Until then I had been able to control my weight.  I was a little heavy and I sought comfort from food, but I could abstain and diet long enough to keep it down.  After the move things changed.  I indulged more and more and packed on pounds.  I also went through my first major episode with depression.  It lasted off and on for years.  With medication and counseling I eventually got stabilized and my life resembled normal.  Still, my weight told the story of how much I was relying on food.

When my step-dad passed away we made plans to have my mom move in with us.  This new family, including our one and a half year old daughter, relocated together.  We came to a family-friendly town that was not nearly so remote.  We found a great church family and good jobs.  Things were calm for awhile.  One down-side was that my mom and I were binge buddies.  We gave each other permission to eat however we wanted without hiding or feeling judged.  I think we both gained weight.

Then she got sick – very sick.  My mom was disabled and had various chronic illnesses, but nothing life-threatening until then.  We lost her very quickly to a colon infection that poisoned her body.  In just a few months my world shut down.  At first all I could do was hide in my house and hold my children or cry with my husband.  We did bond in a new way as we clung to each other, but I also sunk into the darkest depression ever.  I moved through life in slow motion with no life in me.  I felt my very heart was gone.  What else could I do but wrap my pain up in food and hide beneath the covers?  For four years I didn’t really function. There were bright moments, mostly involving my kids, but even those could not part the clouds for long.  I was blessed with friends and family who cared, but still I mourned in my dark place alone.

It was my girls that saved me.  I realized that I was not enjoying them the way I wanted to.  I was not feeling the brightness that their sweet faces deserved.  I went to the doctor and I went to counseling.  I wanted to live my life again. 

God blessed me with an amazing counselor.  We worked through all the painful memories of my life.  I was able to uncover the lies that I was believing that were destroying me.  I began to see that I had value all by myself.  I began to like me. 

The depression had to be dealt with before the food.  I could not let go of my best coping strategy until I had other tools to live my life.  Skipping ahead for just a moment – I am thankful that I had food as my crutch.  I never turned to more drastic forms of self-harm.  Food solved my problems until it became the problem.  It could have been so much worse.

Finally my depression was in remission. (I don’t say healed, because it still raises it’s head occasionally.  Thankfully, now I have strategies to get through an episode and diffuse it.)  I was ready to face my issues with food. 

I learned to dig out the reasons I was binging on sugar.  I was gently guided through a process of looking at my fears and resentments and learning to accept life as it is.  I learned to surrender my crutch and lean on God.  I learned to let go of the food and grab onto life.  Life isn’t always easy, but living it is so much better than hiding.  I’m not afraid of my own emotions or those of other people (most of the time anyway.)  I’m not angry and blaming other people for my own character defects.  I had to let go of my trigger foods.  I had to surrender my will.  In return I received peace and joy and compassion as well as meeting so many amazing people on similar journeys.  Now I know how to feel my feelings, how to ask for help, and how to forgive.

I am learning how to live.

Fear Not

Doing something new is often scary.  We, as humans, seem to be wired to avoid change.  We want to keep things the same, even if that means staying in a painful or mediocre situation.  As Suzy Kassem says “Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.”  Fear and insecurity definitely keep many of us from ever pursuing our dreams.

So, what is it about fear?  Let’s look at the various types to unmask their power.  

First is the almost universal fear of failure.  So many people don’t want to take a chance of falling that they never even walk toward their dreams.  The truth is that no one is a success the first time they try something new.  We all need practice and experience.  In fact, all successful people have failed.  The difference is that they learned from it and kept going.  In this way failure is a step toward success.  Avoiding failure just means you are on the bench rather than in the game.  So, don’t let the fear of failure stop you.  Pursue your dream despite the fear.  Be willing to fall down, get up, and try again.

Another common fear is called imposter syndrome.  We think we are not important enough to be achieving this dream.  We feel undeserving and unworthy. I imagine Joshua felt that way when Moses died and he was given the job of leading the Israelites into the Promise Land.  Can you hear him saying, “Lord, who am I?  I didn’t split the Red Sea. I didn’t receive the Ten Commandments.  I can’t do this.”  God’s responds in Joshua 1.9. “...Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  That is still His message to us today.  We can face an uncertain future knowing that God is with us each step of the way.  If He has given you the talent and the passion to pursue a dream, then He is there to help you make it come true.  Josua overcame his fears, and he got to see the walls of Jericho fall.

My personal nemesis is the fear of criticism.  I don’t want to try something new, do it wrong, and face criticism from my peers.  I tend to interpret critical remarks as rejection.  If people don’t like me, then I feel worthless.  At least that’s how I felt most of my life.  In recent years I finally came to realize that my self-worth does not rely on what other people say.  I was born with God-given value that no one can take away.  Now when I face criticism, I have a choice.  If I think it is valid and worthwhile, I can use these comments to improve my work.  If I don’t agree with the critic, I can dismiss their comments and move on.  I get to choose.

In the end, we all get to choose.  Do we listen to the voice of fear or do we move into unfamiliar territory and let God guide us to an abundant life?  God’s voice will never tell you that you are inferior or worthless or a failure.  His voice is the one cheering you on.  He is the one reminding you that He gave you talents that the world needs, and He is empowering you to use them.  His voice will always lead you on the right path, so push your fears to the back and keep running toward your dreams.

The Big Dream

“If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.”

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Africa’s 1st Woman President

Well, I have a dream that scares me.  It is something that I could never accomplish on my own.  It feels completely out of reach and unrealistic, but I am beginning to think that God planted it in my heart.

So here is the vision:

You walk into a small storefront filled with art and handmade craft items.  There is everything from jewelry, to pottery, to clothes, to art.  Along one wall is a bakery counter where delicious snacks are on sale.  All of these items have been made by local artisans.  Most of them recently lived below the poverty line.  They have chosen to use their God-given skills to serve others and improve their finances.  

If you were to go behind the scenes you would find a commercial kitchen.  The local business people use this resource to make food to sell here as well as at the farmer’s market.  Some of the clients run a delivery service selling food to the community.  Two nights a week a local non-profit uses the kitchen and the attached dining room to serve a free community meal. Lastly, the kitchen is used for a cooking club that teaches people to cook healthy meals on a tight budget.

The dining room is also used for finance mentoring classes as well as a place for the business owners to meet and support each other.  

Farther down the hall there are several workrooms.  These are rented out to any artisan that needs a work space to create their products.  Some of the rooms have tools that are shared by the workers.  For example, one is set up for woodworking, another for creating jewelry. The artists can be sell their creations on their own or put them in the storefront.

The purpose of the whole building is to support people who are seeking to catch the dreams God has placed in their hearts.

I am asking for your prayers as we seek to make this dream a reality.

Millionaires and Paupers Taught Me About Money

Millionaires, Paupers, and Those In-Between:

10 Lessons I Learned about Wealth from my Family

By Jackie Holycross, Acts 3 Dream Catchers Ministry

I have had relatives who were wealthy, with multiple houses and a Cadillac in the driveway. I’ve also had relatives who were poor who couldn’t pay the electric bill and didn’t visit because they couldn’t afford the gas to drive over.  Despite their differences, each and every one of them taught me valuable lessons about money.

1) Money does not grow on trees. ​ This was my father’s mantra while I was growing up. He wanted me to know that all the things I wanted him to buy cost money and that money came from hard work.  I can still hear his voice in my head when I start to buy some expensive item I don’t need.  With my own children, I try to equate the cost of a desired object with how many hours they would have to work at a minimum wage job to pay for the item.  Like my dad, I don’t want them to think their toys and clothes just fall out of the sky.  Maybe I was listening all those years ago.

2) Saving is important. ​ When I was very young, my dad walked me down to the bank and opened a savings account in my name.  I remember the green book with all the lines for future deposits.  Every time we went to put money in, I was amazed that they added in a few cents more.  Dad explained this was interest, the payment the bank gives for being able to use your money.  To me it was just free money, like a gift every time I went to the bank. Later I would learn the real gift of savings – security.  Most Americans have very little, if any, savings.   As a result, when something unexpected happens, like a broken appliance or unexpected medical bill, they have no funds to cover it.  This is when people rely on credit cards and loans.  This creates a downward spiral of debt and financial ruin.  Having an emergency fund in a savings account can help protect families from this type of disaster.

3) Avoid debt. ​ This lesson I learned by watching my mom struggle.  When she remarried, my stepdad had a lot of personal debt.  On top of that they decided to buy a house rather than continue renting our apartment.  This left us with very little disposable income.  We ate hot dogs with macaroni and cheese almost daily.  My clothes came from donations and thrift stores.  There was no money for eating out or any other extras.  Some people think that owning a house is always a good investment.  However, when a person in not financially ready for a mortgage or for the upkeep costs of a house, it can become a burden of debt that weighs them down.  The only time my mom splurged was at Christmas.  That’s when the credit cards came out.  They also got used whenever there was an unexpected expense like a broken appliance or car repairs.  My mom and stepdad both worked full-time, but they never earned enough to get ahead.  They chipped away at those bills every month, but debt was the master.  I remember the night we sat in the lobby of a loan office waiting to see if we would lose our car because of missed payments.  I never want to live with that kind of fear again.

4) Financial security demands sacrifice.  ​When my mom got really serious about kicking debt out of our lives, she made some choices.  She got a second job, and she quit using credit cards for anything.  This meant no giant piles of presents the next Christmas. This was a sacrifice for Mom because she loved giving people things and seeing their smiles.  That year she bought several small, cheap things so I would still have multiple packages to open.  Then she made the season special by baking cookies with me.  What I did not know is she scoured her cookbooks to find recipes that only included ingredients we already had.  Christmas day she pulled me aside to see if I was disappointed in our first non-credit Christmas.  I was so confused.  I thought it was the best Christmas ever!

5) Never pay full price.  ​OK, never is pretty extreme, but all my money teachers knew how to find a bargain.  My dad loves to search through yard sales for good deals and then haggle the price down even more.  This is a man who can afford new clothes, but chooses to wear holey jeans because he “hasn’t got his money’s worth out of them yet.”  He taught me that buying something you don’t need is wasteful.  My rich uncle who built his own business into an empire chose to shop at outlet malls.  Why pay full price if you can get the same quality for less?  As a teenager I was mortified to have to shop at thrift stores.  Now I brag about the deals I find there.

6) Invest wisely. ​ When my grandfather was getting older, he decided to gift away inheritance money to his children and grandchildren.  He met with me and my husband to teach us about investments.  He explained that when he was newly married and got his first raise at work, he decided to invest it rather than increase his level of spending. He figured his original salary had been good enough so far, it would continue to cover his needs.  The rest of each check was put away for the future.  This was not put in a savings account though.  He wanted a much greater rate of return than that.  Instead he invested in mutual funds.  He explained that buying individual stocks is risky.  Any company can falter.  Mutual funds, though, invest in hundreds of companies.  Some grow and some shrink, but traditionally the market has averaged in the positive direction over time.  It took me awhile to apply what he was trying to teach me.  I actually used his gift to pay moving expenses when I got a job offer in a distant state.  However, with that first job I started a 401(k) plan.  I had a small amount taken out of each check and invested.  It took time, but eventually the fund reached and surpassed the amount my grandfather had originally wanted me to invest.  I would like to think he would approve of my current portfolio.

7) Real estate is not for everyone. ​ My dad can fix anything in a house.  He does plumbing, electric, walls, flooring - everything.  After fixing his own house, he decided to buy another beat up one and fix it up to rent.  Many people have prospered by flipping or renting houses.  However, my dad is a perfectionist.  He didn’t want to just fix a house up to good enough. It had to be amazing.  He did eventually get that second house to a point where he was willing to rent it out.  Then he decided to try again with a third and fourth house. One of these houses had more problems than he anticipated and it never did get fixed up enough to be rented out.  The other one became a nightmare of unruly, demanding tenants.  This was way more stress than it was worth.  You have to have a certain personality to be a landlord.  If you don’t, it’s not a good investment.

8) Be generous. ​ Like my mom, my stepmom loves to give gifts.  She enjoys searching for just the right thing and watching the bright-eyed smile on a person’s face when they open it.  She gives freely and lavishly.  It gives her joy.  I read about a social experiment that supports this idea.  Researchers gathered two groups of people and gave each participant $100.  The people in the first group had to spend the money on themselves.  The people in the second group had to spend it on others.  The participants rated their happiness levels before and after the experiment. The second group was much happier at the end.  It was more fun to spend the money on others than on themselves.

9) Money won’t make you happy. ​ No matter how much our society denies it, money is not the guarantee of happiness.  My uncle who owned a vast company was plagued by alcoholism and his children made choices that saddened him.  Money did not insulate him from the tragedies of life.  On the other hand, my stepmom focuses on the things she loves in life.  She loves family and traveling.  Money is a tool to help her accomplish her goals, but it is not what she focuses on, and it is not her joy.

10) Wherever you are on your financial journey remember to listen to the gurus around you.  Growing up, I did not always recognize or appreciate the lessons people were teaching me.  It’s only in retrospect that I see how valuable their wisdom has been.  You too can learn from both the mistakes and the successes of those around you.  Everyone in your path has something to share.

You don’t have to have a degree in finance or be a millionaire to find financial security.  Anyone who is willing to work hard and follow these principles can fulfill their dream.

Never quit learning, never quit striving, and never quit dreaming.

What Will You do with Your Tax Refund?

It's that time of year again - time to do taxes.  We gather up our records and head out to an accountant in hopes of not having to pay a big tax bill.  Surprisingly, it's the people who have to pay that have done something right with their finances.  They did not give the government free use of their money all year long.  If you get a refund, it means you paid too much during the year and basically gave the government a no interest loan.  My father, on the other hand, pays as little as possible during the year, and puts the money he would have given the government into savings until the tax bill comes due.  So, he gets interest off the money until it's time to pay the bill.  That is no easy trick.

Still, for the average person, setting aside money to pay taxes later takes too much self-discipline.  It's easier to pay more out of each paycheck and get a refund in the end.  This is reality finances.  The best plan is not always the ideal plan; the best plan  is the doable pan that works for you.

So, if you are expecting a refund this year, what do you plan to do with that money?  It's not very often that we get a sizeable chunk of money all at once.  It's tempting to spend it on something fun.  It's even more likely to just slowly disappear into everyday spending.  However, if you make a plan, that money could be used to improve your financial stability.

Let's move though some various areas of your finances:

Are you behind on any of your current bills?  This is the first priority.  You need the rent and utilities paid.  You need food.  Don't go spend that tax return on a new toy if the electric is about to be shut off. Get current on all your bills first.

Next - Do you have an emergency fund of at least $1000?  If not, I highly recommend you use that tax refund to start a savings account that you only touch for unexpected emergencies.  This is your insurance against pulling out a credit card or taking a loan when the water line breaks or you end up with an expensive trip to the emergency room. You eventually want this fund to contain enough money to pay your bills for a few months in case you lose a job or face extended health problems.

Next - Do you have any outstanding debt to pay off?  Don't be financially crushed by your past decisions.  Put a chunk of that tax return on your smallest debt and watch it disappear.  Then take the minimum payment you were making and add it to the next largest debt you want to pay off.  This is Dave Ramsey's debt snowball strategy.

You might also want to consider putting that extra cash in your child's college fund or as an extra payment on your home mortgage.  Or perhaps you are saving up for something like vacation or a new car.  Tuck your tax refund into that category and move your goals forward.

Another way to use this money is to plan for your future by investing.  A trustworthy broker can help you find a well-balanced mutual fund to invest in, and then you get to watch your money grow.

The last thing I'm going to suggest should probably have been the first - give some of it away.  Being generous is a gift to others and to yourself.  Funding something you believe in will give you an emotional boost.  It will bring you more joy than the latest shiny trinket ever could.

Whatever you decide to do with your tax refund, make sure it serves your needs and your values.  This is a once a year chance to make a big impact on your finances.  Don't waste it.  

Finding the Answers to Poverty

In Acts chapter 3 Peter and John see a man begging at the temple gate.  The man had been lame all his life and this was his only way to survive.  Daily he laid there and asked for donations so he could eat. There were no government assistance programs back then so his only choice was to depend on charity – beg or die. When Peter saw this man, he looked at him and got his attention.  Then, as now, most people don’t look at the poor.  They are disturbing and it’s easier to ignore them.  However, Peter made personal contact.  The man expected Peter to throw him a few coins.  This would have made Peter feel good about doing his part for the poor.  He could claim some spiritual bonus points and move on.  That’s not what Peter did.  He looked beyond the surface, immediate problem.  Yes, this man was hungry and needed money for food, but that was not his real problem.  He needed a means to support himself.  So, Peter chose to let God heal the deeper problem and reinvent this man’s life.  He prayed for and declared the man’s healing by the power of Christ.  The man walked away praising God into a whole new life.

Our world today is still full of needs.  Even with all the government programs and charities, we have people dying from hunger.  Too many families go to bed not knowing if they will be able to pay their bills or end up on the street.  People fall through the cracks every day.  I volunteer at soup kitchens and food banks.  These ministries meet an urgent need, but they don’t reach the deeper problem.  They don’t provide the resources people need to rise out of poverty.

I was inspired by Peter’s words to try to find a different way to serve the poor.  I wanted to help people become independent and financially stable.  I wanted them to see true healing in their lives.  So, with very little idea what I was doing, I grabbed a friend and jumped in.  We called the group financial advisory and a pleasant young couple from the church was willing to work with us.

This couple was in crisis.  They had recently moved into the area and were swamped with all the bills that come with a new home – set up for phone and electric, deposit and rent, etc.  They were behind on several monthly bills and had requested funds from the church.  Our first step was to set up a simple budget.  We listed all forms of income on one side of a paper and all their bills on the other side.  We sorted through all the threatening and confusing letters and receipts they had received from their landlord to determine what they actually owed.  Then we discussed options.  The couple was pleased to realize that their income actually did cover their monthly bills.  Seeing the numbers on paper instead of a pile of hungry bills, made it much more manageable.  We decided that they would pay the total amount due to the landlord.  He was the main source of their stress at that time.  Paying back rent and fees meant they would not have enough for electric so we referred them to a local program that assists people in need pay this type of bill.  We did not want them to depend on charity, but we needed to get them to a stable foundation first.

The next day I got a phone call from my new friend.  She told me that she and her husband had prayed about the electric bill and that day someone came and bought a washer and dryer set they had been trying to sell.  This provided the exact amount they needed for the electric bill.  I was embarrassed to realize that I had not even told them to pray.  At that moment I realized that God was going to use this ministry to teach me and change me as much or more than those I was serving.

The next month I wanted to focus on buying food.  I had planned to discuss how to eat healthy on a budget and how to shop the sales.  I wanted the couple to see the benefits of spreading their food stamps out through the month instead of using the whole amount at once as they were currently doing.  We did not get far into the conversation when the man explained that his mother regularly visited and asked them to buy her food.  Since they owed her money, they did not feel able to say no.  Their only defense was to spend the whole amount so she could not coerce them more than once a month.  So much for my well-planned lesson.  That night’s discussion turned to setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ instead of how to shop sales which they were actually already good at.  The lesson I learned that night was to get to know the person I am trying to serve.  I assumed I knew the reason behind their spending habits, but I was wrong.  To help them I needed to truly see them.  That’s when the group stopped being about finances and became about life.  In the months that followed we would end up discussing parenting, health, relationships and many other things.  God was shaping all our lives.

One big lesson I learned from this couple and others I met was generosity.  Too often when we think of the poor we think of beggars.  All we hear are their requests for help.  However, if you let yourself get involved in their lives, you see the other side.  I have had numerous small gifts from poor people, not as a thank you but just because they had something they thought I might need or like.  Poor people have learned to share to survive.  If they have extra they give it away and if you have extra they are confused when you don’t give them some.  Those of us who grew up being taught to be independent and take care of ourselves see it as an attitude of entitlement.  We don’t realize that this is the way they have stayed alive. This does not mean I say yes to everyone who asks me for something. I have to have boundaries too.  However, I no longer feel used when they ask or guilty when I say no.  We are all in this life together.

It hasn't always been easy.  We have dealt with frantic calls when food stamps were revoked, frustration and fear when homes were broken into, and numerous other setbacks. With God's grace and guidance, we moved forward.  I am so proud of the progress that first couple made.  They are now living in a nicer trailer park with a cute little yard.  They pay all their bills.  They are working on starting a small-business in hopes of getting off government assistance.  One day they plan to buy their own home.  More importantly, they love Jesus and are active in ministry.  God has done a great work in their lives and in mine.

The Beginning

In the past few years, I have become increasingly interested in helping people who live in poverty to rise above these circumstances.  I’ve done research and become involved in several charity organizations.  There are a lot of great people in the world fighting this battle.

However, I feel that so much of what we do only helps for today.  It does not reach the core issues that keep people poor.  I want to do something that actually begins to turn people’s destinies.  

I have been blessed in the past year to work with a few families that have taught me so much about what it truly means to live in poverty. They have shared their struggles and their hopes.  I’ve gotten a window into their circumstances and their decisions.  Most importantly, I’ve seen their hearts and their dreams.  These are good people who want to change their lives. 

For these reasons, I am starting a new ministry called Dream Catchers.  The mission is to see people take hold of the dreams God has placed in their hearts and live an abundant life.  We will be focusing on stewardship of not just finances, but health and spiritual gifts/talents as well.  Even though the name is new, the ministry actually started over a year ago.  We have seen amazing changes in people. 

So - what am I asking from you?  

Please pray for this group as we continue this work.

Participate (it’s for everyone) and Refer Others

- if you are local we meet at New Beginnings Church 817 N. Scenic, Alamogordo,NM on the 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month at 7:30pm and the 4th Saturdays from 2-4pm.

Send me your ideas and stories about people rising out of poverty.

Consider donating your time or resources to our project.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my new dream.  God bless you.